Message from the Pastoral Care and Eldership Team (PaCET) for Sunday Meeting 21st July 2024

Dear Friends,

I have been thinking, recently, about that often-elusive beast, confidence, and how the lack of it can hold us back in our lives, even in our spiritual lives.  It seems to me that the Religious Society of Friends isn’t a faith group for the faint-hearted!  We are challenged in multiple ways by our Advices and Queries to “Live adventurously”, “Be honest with ourselves”, “not assume that vocal ministry is never to be your part”, “not shrink from the time and effort your involvement may demand” etc.  I like these challenges, but it’s hard!

I know at first-hand how daunting it can be to stand and offer spoken ministry, to have the confidence to speak despite the fear that I’ll dissect, over-analyse and worst of all potentially regret what I’ve said, or how I’ve said it, afterwards.  Having sufficient confidence to write these messages is also a challenge – indeed this one has already taken me several weeks to draft, rewrite and tweak, hopefully soon reaching a point where I am ready for it to be sent out and read by Friends I know to have far more Quaker knowledge, experience and expertise than I.  In this, I know I am not alone.  Even some of the Friends I see as the most esteemed or “weighty” have, I know, had deeply troubling doubts about their abilities, and the quality of their contributions.

We know, with varying degrees of acceptance into awareness, our own weaknesses, and there is a tendency to think that others – who seem, on the surface, to be very sure and confident – do not struggle in the way we do. But many of those who appear to cope and be strong and tireless are indeed very different behind their masks. We are all wounded; we all feel inadequate and ashamed; we all struggle. But this is part of the human condition; it draws us together, helps us to find our connectedness.
QFP 21.14, June Ellis, 1986

I know that we have amongst our members and attenders many deeply spiritual and insightful Friends whom I have yet to see offer spoken or written ministry.  I wonder to what extent this is because of a lack of self-confidence, or maybe an unfounded sense of unworthiness.  I know it does feel nice and safe in our “comfort zone”.  Life outside it is sometimes referred to as the “stretch” zone, but I like to call it “where the magic happens”.  To push ourselves there takes a good dose of effort, faith and courage.

I feel fortunate that I found Quakers around the same time as a very difficult period in my life, when my confidence levels hit absolute rock bottom.  At that time, our late Friend Jane Whistler said to me, “You don’t get courage without fear”. This simple sentence helped me to recognise that the fear I was feeling was not an obstacle to my future, but a natural part of it.  Looking back now, I can see that the actions I have taken, with fear, with courage, and with the support of Friends, have enabled me to grow, personally, spiritually and with increasing confidence; I wish I could tell Jane how much difference her six words made to me.

The American sociologist and researcher Brene Brown says that courage is to “tell the story of who you really are with your whole heart”.  I am extending a heartfelt invitation to each and every member and attender of our meeting, to share with us a little more of who you really are, to let us hear your words, perhaps through a conversation, perhaps through a group, perhaps through vocal ministry, perhaps through contributing one of these written messages.  I am grateful to every Friend who has stood to minister, or written a weekly message, or contributed to a discussion group.  Each of them has contributed to my spiritual development by planting seeds of thoughts, developing my understanding of a topic, introducing new viewpoints and enabling me to reframe my thinking.  I am excited by the prospect of new inspiration from others’ contributions ahead.

And in case you’re thinking that perhaps you might find the courage to get a bit more involved in the spiritual side at Meeting, I’d like to share an entire chapter, entitled “How to be happy” from Matt Haig’s book, “Notes on a Nervous Planet”,

1. Do not compare yourself to other people.
2. Do not compare yourself to other people.
3. Do not compare yourself to other people.
4. Do not compare yourself to other people.
5. Do not compare yourself to other people.
6. Do not compare yourself to other people.
7. Do not compare yourself to other people.

In friendship
Theresa

on behalf of the Pastoral Care and Eldership Team (David Hitchin, Chris Lawson, Tim Pitt-Payne, Caroline Pybus, Theresa Samms and Nancy Wall)